My Story: Part 7

This is Part 7 of My Story, but if you want, you can start with Part 1 here, http://blog.craftycutie.com/my-story/the-beginning-of-my-story

It took me writing 6 separate blog posts, to share a little over the first, one third of My Story. The first 3 entries were excruciating for me, but I am SO grateful to have been able to get them out into the virtual world.

I tried to be short winded but it just wasn’t possible (insert sigh here and take a deep breath). I needed people to know, just how devastating sexual abuse is. I wanted others to be able read the words I could never speak, so I wrote them.

I felt compelled to tell my personal story in an open and honest way. There were certain details I didn’t want to share, but I felt obligated to, so I did. It was the only way for me to express the severity of my past.

I wanted people to know how deeply sexual abuse has affected my being.  In order to do that, I had to allow suppressed memories to resurface as reality. I wanted the world to feel what I felt, so I opened up my heart and told My Story.

My intent was to describe my experiences well enough, so that anyone could relate. If someone has experienced something similar, my story is for them to know that they are not alone in their pain. I am here.

I wanted you to know, that I am out here, in the world with you, hurting as well. My blog serves as a bottle for My Story. My hope is that every time I push “publish”, my words will reach someone who is need of them.

I would say my target audience is those who feel alone, taken for granted or misunderstood. I am striving to put my feelings and emotions into words for you. I want you to feel welcome, appreciated and understood.

For now, this will be my last and final blog post in regard to My Story. The first three parts were a nightmare to face, document and process. It took me a while to move past the depression and anxiety that came with it, but I made it.

I had a really difficult time moving past the fact that the trauma I endured, robbed me of my childhood. Once it started devouring my present as well, I knew I had to move forward or it would steal my future as well. I focused my attention on the next chapter.

The next three blog posts of My Story, took the focus off of me, by introducing others. It had been over two decades since these experiences took place, so it was difficult for me to remember specifics from that time.

I just wrote what I felt called to and was able to become subjective. In the end, I discovered that it is not experiences that leave an impression, but rather the people we share them with. Moments are fleeting, but relationships stay with you forever.

My memories included the hearts of those who took in this troubled soul of mine. I can still feel the positive impact these people had on my life over twenty years ago. I will never forget how they shared themselves with me.

Now here we are, on Part 7 and the only thing missing for a happy ending, is a new beginning. So, let us go ahead and jump right into that. In Part 6 of My Story, I was still in Ecuador, but we’ll leave there and move forward.

My intention is to finish sharing my past, so I can go ahead and jump into revealing my present. I feel as though I have openly shared the most difficult parts, and will therefore just rush through the rest, so I can be at rest.

After about six months of living in Ecuador, I convinced my parents that I had changed. I told them I was ready to come back home and start over. They took me at my word and flew me back to Springfield, Virginia.

It didn’t take long after re-entering my previous environment to re-adapt. I was out in the wild again, and before long, my protective shield grew back. This time it came in thicker and stronger than before.

I returned to hanging out with my same old, tough, but caring crew again. I seemed to be attracted to those who at one point in their life were outcasts, but whom learned to adapt and move their way to the top.

Although they were stronger and tougher than most outwardly, inwardly they were broken and fragile. At school we all seemed confident and secure, but afterwards we all numbed ourselves with drugs and alcohol.

Over the years, my patterns remained the same and so did my hardened heart. I was attracted to strong and confident people, who always seemed to be addicts. Throughout high school and college I continued to battle alcohol and drug addiction.

Although I drank and did my fair share of drugs in college, I felt like I was on track. I was doing well in school and was in an awesome relationship with a guy whom I loved. Then just like that, in a matter of moments, it was all gone.

One evening, I went out with my roommates and one of their boyfriends friends. I had one drink before leaving for the bar and told my boyfriend I’d be over in a little while. I wish I wouldn’t have gone out that night, but I did.

We all sat at a big table together and my roommates friend offered to buy a round of drinks. I never accepted drinks from anyone, but on this occasion I decided to make an exception. After all, he was buying drinks for everyone.

I had about half of my drink and began to feel really strange. I was so confused by the way I was feeling. I had tests that day, so I had not done any drugs or drank, except for one drink prior to going out to the bar.

Being an addict, my tolerance was exceptionally high, no pun intended, so I couldn’t understand feeling dazed after only one drink and a half. My confusion led to insecurity and my mind went into flight mode.

I excused myself and called a taxi to pick me up from the bar. The last thing I remember, is watching as the yellow cab approached. I blacked out and the guy who bought the drinks, followed me home and raped me.

After that night, my life spiraled quickly out of control. Being drugged and raped ruined the relationship with my boyfriend and caused me to completely shut down mentally and emotionally. My boyfriend and I were the only ones who knew about what happened.

My drug and alcohol addiction increased to the point where I was never sober. I consistently numbed myself from feeling anything. Every time my mind tried to think for itself, I would distract it by getting it high or drunk, or both.

Eventually, I lost touch with reality and stopped attending my classes at Chico State. It was my last semester before graduating with a bachelors in Health Administration, but I was so far gone, I couldn’t even complete it.

After dropping out of school during my last semester, my addictions continued to increase. Daily, I lost more and more of my self to drugs and alcohol. It got to the point where I completely lost hope and knew I was on my way to death.

My knowing, turned into reality and I almost died. One night after some heavy drinking I stopped breathing and my chest turned icy cold. I knew I was going to die and I became desperate. I thought, “God if you are real, save me”, and He did.

Instantly my breath was returned to me and my chest warmed up again. It was a miracle and the beginning of a new life. I put my trust into God and His son Jesus that night and asked Him to free me from my addictions and my shame.

My new boyfriend at the time, who now happens to be my husband, and I renounced drugs and alcohol that night and God healed us supernaturally. It was amazing. After 13 years of addiction I was set free overnight, with no withdrawals.

Not long after my my last near death experience, yeah, I’ve had a few, my crazy boyfriend and I got married. We’ve now been married over eleven years, have two rambunctious boys, own an electrical contracting company, and co-own our home, with the bank.

So, as you can see, life goes on my dear reader. Don’t ever loose hope. Don’t ever forecast tomorrows weather based on todays storm. For me, the brightest day, where fluffy clouds fill the sky, always shows up the day after a rain storm.

Wishing you smiles and sunshine,

Tatiana

@TheCraftyCutie

 

 

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  • https://MomentumMarketingMentors.com Vaden Allen

    Tatiana, your courage and honesty have left me speechless! You are an amazing, talented, genuine and inspiring lady! I am sorry that the selfishness of others took away part of what should be the happiest and most carefree time of a young person’s life. You are where you are supposed to be now, I hate that the road to get there was not without incident. Your bravery and candor will help others, even if they don’t verbalize that fact.

    Your story is one that stirred a myriad of emotions within me (both consciously and subconsciously) and I am so grateful to have met, and know better the incredible woman that you are!

    The quote that you summed things up with (“Don’t ever lose hope. Don’t ever forecast tomorrow’s weather based on today’s storm.”) speaks to me personally, as I have had more than my share of inclement weather along the journey that is mine.

    Aside from the same last name, there are many ways that I feel that you and Josh are family that I just recently met, but will be forever in my heart! Much love for you both and I am excited to get to know you both better!

    Thank you for selflessly providing smiles and sunshine!

    V~

  • Belinda Basson

    I love the statement: Don’t ever forecast tomorrows weather based on todays storm. Is that something you made up or did you read it somewhere? I want to make a poster with that and a journal page, but I want to give you the credit. Can I put you down as the author?