If you have experienced trauma in your life, and you are still alive, congratulations! Your strength amazes me and fills me with hope for the future. You are a warrior. You defeat demons on a daily basis and for that I applaud you.
As for me, instinct chose survival over memories and at age 13 instructed me to forget what I had been through. My heart sided with my mind and together they initiated a full system shut down and reboot.
My whole life, I denied reality and its existence. I accepted each day as a dream, once I awakened from my sleeplessness. I busied myself, and focused on distraction, any time the past tried to resurface.
Then one day, I met her. My best friend. She made me laugh and I felt joy again. Her presence alleviated some of my pain, but she was not enough. The agony, was still unbearable, whenever I closed my eyes.
Not long after meeting her, I was introduced to Alcohol. He was the life of the party, and seemed to bring out the best in everyone. I watched in envy as he got all of the attention and others enjoyed humor and care free attitudes.
I decided to go ahead and mingle with Alcohol and became immediately captivated. He helped me to forget who I was, and focused me on enjoying the moment. Eventually, I hung out with him, more than my best friend.
After going steady with Alcohol for a while, I was introduced to drugs. One led to another and eventually I felt complete. I regulated my lows, with highs, and my best friend was there for me, through it all.
Then one day, the perfect world I had created fell apart. My dad, the Navy officer, got stationed in Virginia, so our family was forced to pack up and move across country. Unfortunately, my heart followed me there.
It arrived broken, and incomplete. Pieces of it, had somehow been left behind in California. I worked diligently and made new friends and they provided me with the drugs and alcohol I needed to fill the void.
Soon, I had a boyfriend and even got myself jumped into a gang. Every direction I turned, led into trouble. I had no respect for anyone and my blatant disregard of authority overwhelmed both my teachers and my parents.
I had lost control over myself, and so had they. Then one day, my parents decided to drop me off at the airport instead of high school. Without warning, I found myself on an airplane traveling to Ecuador.
To be continued…..